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Fools aur kaante

February 13, 2022
- Ayan Shree, Anvita Prasad, Kritika, Paarangi Chawla, Pragyansh Chaturvedi, Shreya Bhagat, Kushagra Agarwal, Akshara Singh, Sarthak Sharma

It’s that time of the year again. A sizable chunk of IITR Junta stares with drooping eyes at their screens all day long, not because of the online classes, but for sharing digital flowers. Though the week starts with the intent of celebrating love, it ends up being a race to the top of the leaderboards with the highest number of blossoms (not colourful, fragrant ones, but the boring 0s and 1s).

The young ones (freshers as they call themselves) fervently partake in this digital flower exchange extravaganza. Being a hormonal mess coupled with an inbuilt thirst to win this rat race makes them the more enthusiastic participants.

While the wise sage’s way of going through the week would be climbing the leaderboard by begging urging friends to provide them with imaginary points, there is this bizarre variant of a certain hominid species classified in the chargesheet as a generic geek. The description says that the IITR junta of this variant (contrary to popular belief) think very highly of themselves.

One such geek dawdled away the whole day on his PC, cursing his empty bouquet, the internet speed, his failing grades, and lack of friends. After reaching the pinnacle of boredom, he decided to check every nook and corner of the famed portal, clicking on every link however shady it looks and scanning the entirety of the portal. Fifteen minutes into it, he clicked with the speed of sound, link to link, page to page, unaware and mindless of what was to come.

Suddenly, after a particular chain of shady pages, the screen glitched. He found this to be rather unusual. He had never experienced such a thing, and it was no understatement that he had perused this portal an embarrassing amount of times. Was this an Easter egg? He texted his only acquaintance who took him seriously about this weird phenomenon. The dabbler, as his fellow WONA members called him, read about this and thought that this could be fodder for their new article.

No sooner did the dabbler hear about this, than he hurtled towards his hostel room with his heart racing, and a barrage of thoughts running through his mind. This revelation could cause total and utter havoc. Scrambling through the Govind Bhawan corridors, banging the door shut to keep warm, our very gifted reporter sat down to start his investigation with all the enthusiasm in the world.

Being a romantic at heart it was a pity how miserably he failed at romance. A shy nerd all his life, he had garnered a mere handful of profile views on the infamous flower trafficking platform, let alone receive any virtual flowers from anonymous admirers. Only if he could recreate the glitch - he’d get the attention from his female acquaintances that he so desperately craved.

As the god-forsaken website flashed in front of his eyes after refreshing the page for the umpteenth time, our reporter slowly realised that his attempts were futile. What was the purpose after all? This won’t land him that intern, neither would it get him a dassi. He’d already been at it the entire day, ignoring the multiple times his phone pinged with reminders of submitting his tutorials and codeforces competitions.

Suddenly he heard a low growl, eventually realising that it was his own belly rumbling for food.
The thought of fried Maggi from Govind canteen had his mouth watering. Sulking and grumbling in frustration, he smacked his keyboard with his fist. Suddenly the pink screen faded into a cryptic video, reproducing the glitch that he was working on the entire day.
Breathless with excitement, our reporter scurried away to the canteen, because obviously, food first.

A recruitment post was in circulation by the newly formed group named “Sashakt Single Dal” on Whatsapp, along with an account on Instagram. A couple of freshers craved drama enough to contact Watch Out! asking about the group. Thus, WO! decided to interview the Secretary of the Group over a video call, who wished to remain anonymous for their personal reasons. Here is an excerpt from the interview.

WO!: What is the purpose of the group?
SSD Secy: Our purpose is to free the innocent and pure R Junta from the poisonous affection and lust that tends to ail hormone-filled individuals. We wish to create an atmosphere free from the so-called “Love in the Air”. Thus, we want to provide a platform that supports single people of the institute and encourage others who are committed to break free from the binding chains of young love and live a pure happy life. A safe haven for the single and the sulking.

WO!: What motivated you to create this group?
SSD Secy: The team has a guiding principle of “Single Jeevan, Sukhi Jeevan”. You see, in this era of Westernisation, the citizens are rapidly forgetting our culture, our traditions, our principles. To preserve this ancient culture this group materialised into existence, where we not only save hearts from breaking, we also help people “explore” themselves spiritually, physically and emotionally. Relationships are distracting. It is mortifying to see young couples wasting away their time on something so temporary, so volatile when they could be working towards the greater good, towards a nobler and purer goal. (Clutches his head in frustration).

WO!: How will you be conducting the recruitment process?
SSD Secy: We will be conducting recruitments across multiple verticals. We welcome single people with open arms. For the first yearites, all we are looking for is an unwavering faith in our beliefs and a constant devotion towards our ideologies and actions. For the seniors, we will be conducting several rounds testing various aspects: how sakth, how motivated and how skilled they are in convincing people will be the most important criteria.

WO!: Any accomplishments/future plans?
SSD Secy: We plan on identifying and disrupting the “couple hotspots” along with conducting motivational lectures and discussions to further our noble cause. We already have CCTV cameras set up in particular areas to deter people from even engaging in the vicious act of PDA. We will ensure that we pluck out these weeds that grow within the institute, inhibiting those who indulge from reaching greater heights. You can talk to my assistant to gain a greater insight into our goals and actions.

A guy with a bony skeleton peeking through his T-shirt that read “Sakht Launda’’, occupied the chair that previously hosted the coxa of his superior.

“Never in my life has anybody given me so much respect, not even Sunaina with those devilish eyes of hers. I’ll always be loyal to you sir” Ending his monologue with valour, he enacted an elaborate salute. He then turned to us, finally acknowledging our presence.

WO!: When and how did you join this group?
Assistant: When Sunaina dumped me, no… when a witch with devilish eyes found another devil from the very depths of the underworld, I…I Bholaram Kumar, dumped her. Underline that part, please.
When I was passing by his room the next day, Master called my name out and did the gracious act of taking me to the spot where the two vicious devil-eyed beings were sinning.
We went on to spoil their first date, I mean technically their first date after our breakup, and freed them of the pains and trials that they would have faced from the gross sins they were undertaking. It was then that I swore allegiance to Master and I stuck to his side like the chewing gum on Sunaina’s favourite pair of jeans.

WO!: Alright. So can you tell us–

The interview saw a sudden hindrance. The Dabbler entered the office, charged with the power of Hermes and reeking suspiciously of Fried maggi, screaming louder than King Kong

Dabbler (Still screaming): Eureka!!!

WO!: You still have your glasses on.

Dabbler: Ah, leave that. Remember the glitch that I was investigating?

WO!: That one which you used to draw a veil over your void in the bouquet?

Dabbler: YES!!

WO!: What of it?

Dabbler: The glitch has been decoded.

WO!: And? Just a second… (to Bholaram) Could you please excuse us for a minute please? (mutes the call, or so he thought)

Dabbler: The glitch directed me to this blood curdling video. The voice of the guy was modulated. I downloaded it, and with Bollywood music level of audio editing, I finally found the guy responsible. Listen!

«The contents of the video can not be shared for the care that Watch Out! carries for its readers. We advise you to not wander dark dangerous lanes looking for the video. The impact it may have on one’s sanity might land them to a place next to the most hardened criminals. WO! has trained professionals who are immune to such content thanks to the help and support of various people skilled in the art of writing wonderful things about our humble team. »

Reporter: Holy-. Never mind. I sure am baffled by this revelation and never did I expect you of all people to discover something that will fill people’s hearts with terror and their eyes with trepidation. Let me just get this interview over with. So Mr Bhola–. Mr Bholaram? Are you okay?

The reporters stood mortified at the sight of the devilish smile that Bholaram wore. The call was cut. A heavy rumbling brings the reporters back to their senses. They see an army of unrecognisable humans approaching in the distance with a sense of urgency in their step.

Thus we learnt, painfully, about the mindless glitch made about a mindless group made by a mindless group of authors to implement a mindless idea.
A usual day at WO! ends…